Clarity
by Happyteehee
Summary: "It's ridiculous, chasing relentlessly after someone we wished we didn't need, still fighting, thinking that there might be a small possibility that they will love us back some day." Rated M for smut-ish. Lavi-X-Reader/OC.


_**AN: **A little one-shot I cooked up while being sick (and still am *coughcough*) for our favorite bunny-boy; Lavi. _  
_This fic was inspired by a song by Zedd feat. Foxes' "Clarity". The instrumental cover done by Daniel Jang is also beautiful, I recommend both songs._  
_Now, in this fic you'll find angst, mentioning of sex, and smut-ish. And Lavi, of course. _

_Disclaimer: I do not own -man or the characters, nor the song "Clarity". I do, however, own the plot of this fic. _

* * *

It was clear to him that he had done the one thing he specifically shouldn't do – get emotional, show emotions or even speak about them. Yet, whenever he saw _her_ he couldn't help himself wanting to spend every waking moment with her.

_You're insane_ he had told himself several times, but the insanity wouldn't cease. All he thought about was this girl, this girl he had known for a short time, not more than five months or so. No, scratch that, six months. During this period he had fallen for her – _hard_ – and he couldn't get up. It didn't help that she would seek him out, too, sit down and chat with him about everything and nothing. Just the other day she had told him that there was someone she liked in the Order. At first, Lavi thought maybe it could be him, which made him really happy for a moment before he realized that even if she did like him, he would never be able to reciprocate her feelings. Not because he didn't feel the same, but because of his apprenticeship. Though, he later found out it was Allen she liked.  
_"Great," _he had thought, followed by "_another one jumped the Allen Walker- is-awesome-bandwagon_." He liked Allen, that wasn't the issue, but Allen had Lenalee, she was enough. Why couldn't he have the girl he wanted?

After finding out, Lavi had gone to Kanda to vent out about his problems, like he usually did, and as usual good old Yuu gave him some advice. The dark- and longhaired young man had told him two things; "_Go die,"_ and "_Forget about her."_ Lavi chose to ignore his advice (and threat?) since it wouldn't help him in any way. Well, if he did die he wouldn't be so love-struck, but then again; if he decided to die…well, then he would be dead, which meant the end of his future career as Bookman and as an Exorcist.

Lavi wasn't stupid, he knew if he confessed to her he wouldn't be able to be with her anyhow, but he still wished to hold and kiss her – even if it was for a short time.  
"_Ah, it's no good. I really don't want to let go," _he had thought when he hugged her once. She laughed and playfully punched him, smiling up at him with that bright smile. If he were to describe her to strangers, he would have said that she was perfect. To those around him, they only saw a rather normal girl (both personality wise and in appearance) with a rather unusual laugh. Lavi adored her old man laugh, which was what he had named it to her big embarrassment. The punch she gave him then wasn't playful, but more of a warning.  
"_Watch it, rabbit," _she had warned, and smirked at him. He wanted to wipe that smirk of her face and replace it with a shocked expression by placing his lips onto her extremely soft ones. That was what he believed they were; soft and inviting. He had often thought about her in a couple of compromising situations (and positions, mind you), he just couldn't help it and it made him feel like a real pervert. All of the different scenarios ended with her screaming out his name as she came, her voice echoing in the small room he called his chambers. _His _and _Bookman's_ chamber, to be more correct.

He imagined her running her small hands through his fiery red locks, playing with a couple of strands while smiling that beautiful smile of hers, and he would smile down at her, stroking her cheek tentatively. Then, he would kiss her softly, gently nibbling on her under-lip, asking politely to enter her wet cavern and explore it. A blush would appear on her cheeks, but she would let him do as he pleased. As they would kiss, Lavi would cup her cheeks, pulling her closer to him and twirling his tongue around hers, and massaging the ceiling of her mouth. She would let out a small moan and clutch onto his shirt, her nails digging into his skin painfully, but not painfully enough for him to stop. The pain made it seem more real, in a way.  
Snaking his hands underneath her white blouse, he would knead them gently before pinching her soon-to-be erect nipples. When he had finished massaging and kneading both of her breasts, he would take of her blouse – baring her for him to look at her naked torso. In his scenarios, she would never wear a bra; he hated those things, so difficult to unclasp. Lavi proceeded with taking one erect nipple between his lips, sucking at it, making her gasp and arch her back. When finished with both nipples, he kissed down her stomach which made her mewl and squirm a little. Lavi loved that; being in control of her pleasure and feel her anticipation. Her legs shaking, her breath slightly hitched, and that big blush on her beautiful face.  
Eventually, he would come face to her clothed crotch, using his teeth to pull off the silky garment (he had a thing for silk) and then use his hand to pull it off entirely. She wouldn't hide her body for him, instead she would stretch out her arms for him as he undressed and entered her wet core – becoming one.  
Her whimpers and gasps of pleasure were like music to his ears, a remedy of his own. It would all go in a slow pace, no rushing, at all, just him and her taking their precious time.

With slow languid thrusts he would kiss her lips with great passion, and she would return the kiss just as passionately, hooking her arms around his neck, pulling him closer. He would support himself on his arms and elbows beside her shoulders, thrusting in and out of her slick womanhood,  
her walls tightening around his shaft, pulling and stroking him, all while she was panting heavily. Lavi pushed away a couple of hair strands on her sweat-slicked forehead, looking down on those glassy, lustful eyes he could gaze into for an eternity.

Once, Lenalee had walked in on him while he was thinking about those special scenarios of his, luckily for him, she didn't turn on the light in the small dark room; she was only there to bid him a good night and a good luck for his mission in the early morning. He was thankful she left quickly, and he was thankful for Bookman not being in the room. Lavi made sure to never play with his "hammer" when Bookman was around. For one; it would be awkward as hell, and two…Well, it would mostly be awkward and he didn't want to explain it to the older man. Not that it was needed; Bookman surely understood that a young man like Lavi would need to touch himself once and a while when it was needed. Or maybe not, he had no intention of finding out, anyway.

As the young Bookman in training pondered about the girl that occupied his thoughts most of the time, and his situation regarding that girl – she came sauntering towards him with tears running down her cheeks and a sad smile on her lips. Lavi, who had rested his head in the palm of his hand and leaning onto the railing of the stairs, straightened himself out and his face contorted into a confused expression. She reached out to him for a warm embrace without saying anything and he accepted - with open arms. Without saying anything Lavi hugged her much smaller form, flushed against his taller one, gently stroking her soft hair.  
She knew that he knew. He was the only one she had told about her now unrequited love for Allen. Apparently, Allen had been calm and polite as he rejected her, but it still hurt like a mother.  
Lavi kissed the top of her head (sensing a hint of peach), feeling the soft locks against his lips. Her small hands pushed away from his chest, looking up at him with that sad, sad smile of hers which Lavi wished to never see again.

"I'm sorry," she choked out, sniveling, "I just... I just need someone right now."  
"I'm here," was all he said, it was all that needed to be said for now, and then he guided her to a much quieter and more private place - her chambers.

The young redhead debated with himself if he should tell her how he felt while they walked towards her room, _"No, "_ he thought _"she's too vulnerable right now, and besides; what good will it do me? Then there will be two hurt and sniveling people, and we certainly don't want that."_  
He glanced down at her; she had stopped crying "_Thank God_", her face expressionless. If Lavi wasn't holding her by her waist as they walked, he imagined she would have fell to the floor, unable to get up by herself.  
"_She must have really liked Allen_," the thought should have hurt him, but instead it became clear to him; she was, in a couple of ways, like himself. She loved someone she could never have; she was an Exorcist who wasn't supposed to care about love and all the tragedies it brought with. She was supposed to do her job, to get rid of the Akumas and fight the Millennium Earl. Feelings only got in the way in her line of work – much like in Lavi's case.

"We are all chasing after something we possibly can't have…" he muttered out loud. She looked up at with a questioning look on her face, "What was that Lavi?" she asked. He realized what he had said and tried to joke it away, but she wouldn't let him. She gave him a look that said _tell me_, and so he did.  
"It's ridiculous, chasing relentlessly after someone we wished we didn't need, still fighting, thinking that there might be a small possibility that they will love us back some day. It's insanity, fumbling in the dark looking for that ray of hope. It's clear to me; we all want that special someone we can't possibly have, and yet… we keep hoping for the unattainable. Sometimes it would have been better to not feel anything, at all. Funny, isn't it?"

Neither of them were smiling or laughing, and Lavi knew that he had destroyed the potential relationship he could have had with his special girl.  
_"No… I never stood a chance,_" he thought as he opened the door for her to her chambers, and instead of following her in, he left, leaving her alone like he should have in the first place.

* * *

_**AN:** Just something I wanted to try out. Still not too pleased with the ending. Might rewrite some time. Thanks for reading!_

_-Teehee~._


End file.
